Thursday, July 4, 2013

Read THIS not THAT! - Vampires

This Independence Day, I'm liberating you guys from the blood-sucking undead.

Ever since the release of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight Saga, everybody has been cranking out vampire romances like they are going out of style. I personally don't understand the allure of vampire, but I do know the allure of a good book when I read it, so let me help you distinguish the good vampire romances from the mediocre to horrible vampire romances....


-Twilight has been bashed over and over and over (especially on my blog) so I'm going to try not to beat a dead horse. But I just get so enraged when people talk about Edward Cullen being the 'perfect guy' - he's obssessive, possessive, emotionally abuse, stalkerish, and a pedophile. I don't care if he 'looks 17 so it's totally fine' - no, Edward is a pedophile. And Bella is a necrophile. Twilight is beastiality versus necrophilia. Oh, and babyfuck. Jacob would like to babyfuck Renesmee. That's just messed up.

-House of Night has got to be the cattiest slut-shaming politically incorrect supporter of rape culture that I have ever read in my life! It also doesn't help that the entire vampire community in this book is ridiculously racist towards humans and if you express any form of religion other than 'vampire,' they will likely stone you to death. Not to mention that Zoey Redbird is the most obnoxious YA heroine of ALL TIME. YES! She is even worse than Bella Swan. I would rather have Bella Swan as my BFF than sit in a room with Zoe for more than 5 minutes. I hate her that much. Is this really what you want to be filling your head with?

-Morganville Vampires, I haven't actually read, but if what I've read about the first book is true. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL??? If you are bullied to the point of having your life threatened and nearly die as a result of a 'prank,' any logically sane person would call the police and get the fuck out of there, but what does she do instead? - apart from bitch a little, absolutely nothing. Also, this gem ...

"What normal girl loved physics? Abnormal ones. Ones who were not ever going to be hot. And face it, being hot? That was what life was all about."-- Morganville Vampires #1 'Glass Houses', pg 15

Is that really what life is all about? Do you really want to give yourself body issues? Shallow as fuck....


- Dracula is THE sexy vampire novel. While the crux of this story isn't 'the vampire and the mortal fall in love' or 'someone turns into a vampire' some really kinky stuff happens, including lesbian vampire orgy okay, maybe not quite like that, but this book introduces the factor that vampires have a strange erotic power over humans and this is primarily to keep them from freaking out while vampires are feasting on their blood. In the end, Dracula tries to steal away a woman to be his vampire bride and vampire hunters, and Vlad the Impaler. The best part is that most of it is written from a limited perspective in the form of journal entries or letters so there is suspense and tension all over the place.

- Interview with the Vampire makes the undead glamorous with the legendary Lestat (the only acceptable pretty vampire, in my opinion), and I love it because Lestat isn't a goody-two-shoes. He still clearly has mental issues from being immortal and all that jazz and kills and maims people. I don't want to say too much about it, but if you aren't going to read the book, at least watch the film adaptation. It is one of the best vampire movies EVER.

- The Historian, while not a vampire romance, is an excellent little tale of suspense that relates back to the king himself DRACULA. Also, full of minute research mistakes, but... what the hey. The suspense writing was good enough for me to overlook the little things.

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