Monday, May 12, 2014

Read THIS not THAT! - YA Straight Romance

I'm going to be completely honest with you guys.... if it isn't a lesbian romance novel, I don't read romance novels. I blame it partially on my sexuality, and partially on the fact that I find romance rather tedious and boring. I mean, think about it.... 90% of all romance films and books end up one of two ways...

1)  Either the people you think will never get together end up getting together to spite everybody
2) There's a one true pairing that the plot of the story is to try to split them up but to no avail because true love conquers all
.... I admit that I am guilty of weaving BOTH of these plotlines into my high-school lesbian drama that I write for myself for shits and giggles when I'm bored. 
The young adult sections (or YAs) are absolutely littered with awkward hormonal romances for all the awkward hormonal teens going through that time in their life when all they think about is 'how my body is changing' and 'how hot that guy/girl is and I wanna get in their pants' .... it happens to everyone. I understand. I was an awkward hormonal teen at one time too.
That doesn't mean that this genre is literature has a pass when it comes to terrible and not terrible. There are good YA romances, and there are terrible YA romances....
I'm not going to put LGBT YA fiction in this list; I may do another list for it later. These are mainstream YA straight romances.I'm not going to subdivide theses into 'paranormal romance' and 'historical romance' and shit because honestly, I don't read enough where romance is the main plotline in all of them. There just aren't that many I can recommend and how many I can tell you to steer clear of Actually, there are plenty of those since this is my least favorite genre. Nevermind.
It's gonna be a massacre.
Twilight - Oh, Twilight saga, there are so many things I can point out about this series that are so terrible from the writing style to the characters to just the plot in general. We know what an awful person Bella Swan is, but for our 'terrible romances' list, I'm going to pick on Edward and Jacob a little bit. Edward is a 118 year old pedophile, and Jacob wants to babyfuck Renesmee(?) I don't even know how the fuck to spell her name. Let me explain.... since Edward has turned into a vampire, he's been in permanent teenage form for 100 years, but only his body is perfect. Edward's mind, however, seems to definitely have sharpened into a normal human adult brain as obvious by the many times Bella is caught swooning over how much more knowledgable and mature Edward is compared to her. Okay, that is kind of creepy. Second, he's matured into a creepy stalker.... including climbing through her bedroom window and watching her as she's sleeping to slashing her tires so she can't see Jacob and maintain control over her. .... under normal circumstances, you'd file a restraining order on Edward rather than fuck him but Bella's an idiot. Jacob is a little more respectful of Bella in the first few books, but after Bella's baby bursts forth, all Jacob can think about is how he wants Bella's baby to become his soulmate. He's gonna wait, guys! But he lusts after her and mentions he wants to do the dirty with her when she gets older. Seriously, guys? You think this is romantic? No, this is just creepy. I could post 100 more paragraph about how disgusting the 'romance' in Twilight is...
Halo - This is 'Twilight' for the fundamental Christian crowd. Instead of vampires and werewolves, we have humans and angels falling in love. Unfortunately, the plot and the characters are even dumber than Bella Swan. WWOOOOWWW. The book sets itself up like it is going to be an epic battle between God's Angels and Lucifer's Fallen Angels, but in all honesty, this is all just an excuse for Bethany (the super special Mary-Sue angel) and Xavier (the cardboard cutout male lead) to meet at a high society private school and talk about how much they love each other but they aren't going to have sex until they are married because God wouldn't like it if they didn't. Nearly 3/4 of the book is about Bethany creaming her panties over Xavier. Yeah, it is incredible awkward. And besides, why the fuck are angels being sent down from heaven to a wealthy private school in the first place???
Hush Hush - This is 'Twilight' with fallen angels, demons, and would-be murderers and THE LEAD MALE PUCK ADMITS TO STALKING AND WANTING TO MURDER THE FEMALE LEAD NORA. To which, Nora says "you're so silly; you'd never hurt me!" but the whole time before that Nora is paranoid about Patch hurting her ................. what the fuck is wrong with this author and these people? This is anything but romantic!
Article 5 - This is billed as a dystopian. It's not. It's a shitty romance about a whiny dependant little bitch who think more about the hot guy she's with than the rapidly decaying state of the nation where people like her in a few generation's time will be thought of as absolutely nothing. I seriously wanting the male lead to slap this bitch for being so stupid.

Sweep - If you insist on reading the paranormal romance genre, then this series is your best bet. Not only are the main male and female lead NOT stalkers and indiots, but the series actually addresses societal issues including LGBT rights, freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and learning to make an identity and choices for yourself instead of blindly following the leaders. It also deals with teen issues .... dating troubles, friend troubles, school troubles.... and for once in a teen book, it gives solid advice while having the characters remain true to their characters and sounding like teenagers. They just don't write them like this one anymore.

The Raging Quiet - A historical romance novel set in the Middle Ages about a girl who ends up falling for the 'town idiot' ... he's not an idiot at all, she discovers. He's merely deaf and no one has ever taken the time to try to talk to or understand him. I didn't read this of my own accord, but was recommended this book by my friend Elyse. I was very surprised by how well it was written, and what issues it addresses regarding tolerance and romance in general.
The Future of Us - For those of you into the science-fiction realm but want a little romance, this YA novel is not to be missed. The premise of the book is simple : in the dawn of the internet, two teenagers discover 'Facebook' (which won't be developed for another decade or so) and end up being able to see their own futures. They learn that the things that do now can seriously affect what is happening on the Facebook page. Knowledge like this can be very very dangerous. Although they can see what will happen to them if they decide to get together, will the teens risk it all anyway? This is a surprisingly quick and enjoyable read even for those who don't normally read romances, and it brings up interesting issues with social media.

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