ULTIMATE SANDWICH

I'm hungry right now, so I'm going to write about the ultimate sandwich. Well, MY ultimate sandwich; I don't know about anybody else... that's not my problem.

CHAPTER ONE :

The ultimate sandwich has to start with the absolute PERFECT bread... which, if you don't know... is a lightly toasted wheat sourdough... crunchy salty tang and tear-your-gums goodness... buttered on both sides to get that perfect golden-brown color to it.

CHAPTER TWO :

Then.... you get out some mayonnaise. Oh yeah, REAL mayonnaise; none of this namby-pamby 'lite mayo' or 'Miracle Whip' - NOPE ! 100% real mayo goodness, and you dip the knife in and spread a thin layer on one side of the sourdough. Just one side though! We don't want to clog up out arteries just yet.

CHAPTER THREE : 

Wash some fresh romaine lettuce. The darker the green, the better. Wash it in cool clear water, and then place a leaf on top of that mayo you just spread. Make sure the lettuce leaf isn't wilted, so that it still has some crisp crunch to it! That's the most important part!

CHAPTER FOUR :

Take a good old beefsteak tomato. Wash it under cool clear water, and then slice into it with a stainless steel knife. Don't take the end. Make sure to take a nice thick slice from in the middle. And cut it in half diagonally so that you don't pull the tomato all out at once on your first bite! It's important to pick a tomato that is fully ripe, but not squishy. We need structure AND favor in order to make this work, okay?

CHAPTER FIVE :

On the other slice of perfect toasted wheat sourdough... you need to spread generous amounts of ripe avocado. Mash it up with a little lime juice with a spoon so that it doesn't brown. One consistant green mushy layer of awesomeness.

CHAPTER SIX :

The main event. You NEED maple smoked bacon strips. Oh yeah! Not the over-salted shit. You wanna be able to taste the maple and the bacon and all that salty-fatty-sweet glory as nature intended it to be. Put it in a skillet and cook it good until it has just barely become crispy. It must NOT be limp, nor can it be burned. It must be perfect Goldilocks bacon... both crunchy and chewy and full of juices. Slap that pig onto the sandwich and close it up.

CHAPTER SEVEN : 

Close your eyes and take a bite of the ultimate sandwich. Oh yeah... classic BLT with a little bit of a California twist to it. Let your tongue glide over all the radical textures and flavors .... crunchy bread, creamy mayo, savory avocado, salty-sweet bacon.... buttery.... bacon-y.... tomato tang.

Ultimate sandwich.