Saturday, February 2, 2013

5 'Classic' Novels That Are Just Cleverly Disguised Steaming Piles of Shit

Just because a lot of people have read it and a lot of people like it doesn't always make it a great novel. This should be your first and foremost rule whenever you hear or read reviews on books, and something I take to heart before I pick novels up. This is even true in the case of so-called 'classics' - a lot of people are bound to disagree with me for their own reasons, but here I have provided 5 excellent examples of books that are considered classics (widely read and widely talked about) but in all due respect are complete and utter bullshit.

In order from least hated to most hated.....

5 ) The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

I get that Holden is supposed to be sullen, moody, and genuinely unpleasant, and he is ultimately the person that he hates. But what does it mean? Nothing.

But if I wanted to read about people like this, I'd just sign up as a substitute teacher at a high school.
Either that, or go paw through the copious amounts of horrible YA literature or fanfiction spread all across the interent. The only 'remarkable' thing about this book is that it is the first horrible YA book.
Other than that, Holden says nothing, does nothing, and wastes 300 pages of my time.

4 ) Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

Two teenager OMG INSTANTLY FALL IN LOVE FOREVARS!!!!!1one!1 and four days later seven people are dead. Meanwhile the world swoon over bullshit ideas like 'love at first sight' 'true love' and 'devotion' when Romeo is a stalking scumbag, and Juliet is a hopeless, brainless whore. This is ye old Twilight minus vampires add wealthy gangsters... and not even the cool kind in West Side Story. Everyone feels like this is the epitome of love and the best love story ever told.... the truth of the matter is that it is a bunch of selfish teenage angst that teaches our young people what bad relationships look like, and if you can't get what you want in life, kill yourself rather than talk it out like reasonable adults.

3 ) A Passage to India by  E.M. Forster

Imagine a travel guide to India with some nice historical snippets of India / England relations back when India was considered a colony. Now throw yourself in ye old justice hall and listen to the babblings of a young adult girl who may or may not have been raped by cave echoes.

No, this is seriously what the book is about.

2 ) Sybil by Benjamin Disraeli

A novel telling the troubles of social and financial Victorian England as told by a politician, full of crappy propaganda, and there's a soap-operatic romance that thinly veils Disraeli's social criticism. Would have been LOADS better if he had just written some political essays. My favorite part is when one of the main characters gets stoned to death (and not with 'the good weed')

Seriously, man? Great politician, that Disraeli, but he can't write a decent storyline to save his life.

1 ) The Return of the Native by Thomas Hardy

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