You know when you do something stupid without thinking about the major consequences and without thinking about those it is going to affect, and you end up lucky.... but you don't feel like you should have been lucky. The guilt is just so powerful and so overwhelming that you feel like you should take the consequences of your stupid decision just to prove you aren't a scumbag and you are a capable and willing adult.... if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm kind of feeling that way today, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it or how to shake it.
Saying you are sorry about something can be a hard thing for some people, and for some people, they throw the phrase around like it's just paper or something. It's a whole different thing though when you've been told that your apologies are worthless, especially when you are sincerely sorry and when you want for the person or people you've hurt to feel at least a little bit better. I had a friend say that once when we were in high school. I won't go into details, and since then, we've resolved our differences and we are friends again. But the way she said it, and the fact that she said it has really affected me. It made me feel like some sort of destructive monster whose only goals was to hurt everyone in her path and make everyone's life a living hell.
For several years after that, hell even now some days, I'm afraid to get close to people because I know I'll just hurt them. It's counteractive too. Humans are social creatures, and I would like to be close to people- have friends like I see my friends hanging out with on Facebook and stuff. But some part of me just can't reach out to people anymore, so I live my days working my 9a-6p job five days a week with really only my partner Felicia and our animals. I'm happy I'm not completely alone. There were years I was completely alone and they seemed almost unbearable. Sadly, it was during college, and I used to laugh sometimes and ask myself .... I wonder what these people would think if they knew they were sitting with a dead person.... with me.